Sometimes I like to hang in the backyard with a beer. Sometimes I like to hang in the backyard with a beer after Mrs. Smitty has already gone to bed. The door to the back yard is in our bedroom. Rather than risk waking the Mrs. I often take the passageway to the rear yard through the front of the house. Since there is a locked gate some ten or so feet from the front door, I just hop the railing on the porch to access the rear yahard. Then I finish my beer and try not to freak out when I see a gnarly family of racoons.
When I reapproach the porch und railing to enter thru the front door I always mash my ballls. I just did it like fifteen minutes ago and only now am I recovering.
I hucked one leg over the rail then proceeded to "Chopper... Squish Balls". It's a difficult trick to remember but not an easy one to forget.
There is some pretty serious downtime and consequential radical rehabilitation that is necessary after executing such a maneuver.
1. I recommend putting together a new board. Put it together and force yourself to go skate, even if it's 96 degrees out with mega-high humidity.
2. Don't drink too many beers. It might seem like a great idea and ultimately, it is. But... Just don't start drinking before noon. Make that 3:00 PM. And have some food. Eat some food, man.
3. Skate the handrail instead of straddling it without one. If you're gonna scrape scrotum, you should be doing it on a skateboard.
4. Or maybe you should be doing it on the top of your couch whilst lisening to your fave dance tunes. That would be more soft and comfortable.
5. Don't trust anyone who doesn't ride a skateboard to give you advice on recovering from a skate related injury. First of all, they can't ollie. Second, they think a McTwist is a choco-vanilla soft serve cone from McDonald's. It actually might be called that. I hope it is.
Bottom line, they are going to think you're an idiot for hurting yourself slappy grinding a three inch high curb instead of getting a concussion playing two hand touch football.
6. Drink some beer and write some poems. If you're not into beer... drink a few Dr. Peppers and open up your soul. Open it up to anyone who gives a damn. Which is positively no one.
That's a positive though, bro.
&. Start riding a fixed gear track bike. (Knee rehabilitate) Great for the knees if you don't worry about trying to ride backwards and track stand and skid and be flashy. Just ride it from pointy A to point B at a slow and steady pace. I swear it's made my knees stronger. Not weaker. Stronger. You will look better riding the bike in tighter clothing.
8. Start eating better and just get over yourself. Next time you do the Ball Mash you can do it with some energy and a little color in your aura.
